Slash Mechanics 101
by Mortal Anonymous
Summary: For all those slash fans out there who just don't seem to know how a sponge and an octopus could do it.


**A/N:** Warning: slight OOC due to subject. And I hate myself for writing something so out-of-universe. But please enjoy anyway. **A/N**

**-**

The setting was an empty classroom. In front of the blackboard and holding a bamboo pointer stood a familiar-looking seafoam green cephalopod.

"Hello there," he greeted the viewer, "I'm Squidward Tentacles, and this is my teaching hindrance, Spongebob Squarepants." Here he gestured to the yellow square standing adjacent to him.

"I thought I was supposed to be your aid." said square puzzled, scratching his head.

"Trust me Spongebob; you're a much more of a hindrance than an aid." Squidward replied flatly. Turning back to the audience, he continued, "Anyway, many of you viewers out there seem baffled as to how an octopus and a sponge could have sexual relations, and even though _that would never happen.._" he paused to glare for a moment, "I'm here to explain how ridiculously simple and easy this would be."

"Squidward, what are sexual relations?" cut in Spongebob curiously, "They sound tasty; can you give me some?"

"Shut up you," glowered Squidward, "You saying stuff like that is precisely why we need to have this stupid class. Now stop it, you're just giving those freaks what they want." Spongebob placed his hands behind his back and looked apologetically to the floor.

Squidward bent down behind the teacher's desk, and, straining, emerged with a humungous stack of papers. These he dropped onto said desk with a grunt. The desk groaned under the weight.

Indicating to the papers, Squidward addressed the audience, "I've read the fanfiction, and really, the things you people come up with! All 'shape shifting' and complicated _magic_ that turns us into people..! Well I for one think that this is _completely_ ridiculous, and so, fact that I would _never_ submit to Spongebob aside, here's a basic lesson in biology." He snapped the pointer into his empty palm.

Spongebob tugged at Squidward's sleeve. "Uh, Squidward? Don't you think you should be a little nicer to the viewers? They are our fans after all…"

"Oh puh-leeze," retorted the rude octopus, rolling his eyes, "They've had this coming since the first slash was cast." He cast a packet of papers from the stack sharply at Spongebob to emphasize his point. Spongebob caught the packet, and his eyes were slowly drawn to the page in child-like curiosity.

Pest temporarily silenced, Squidward moved the pointer to the blackboard and proceeded with his rant. "First of all," he commented on the life-like octopus sketch there, "you will note that the octopus' sexual organ is actually just another one of his tentacles, and is usually the smallest of them, as it has practically no muscle and is almost never used. It does not in any way resemble a human's anatomy."

He reached over and dragged Spongebob, who was immersed in the packet he was reading, onscreen by one of the holes in the side of his head. Tugging at the hole and pointing to it with the pointer Squidward went on, "Second of all, note how the sponge is porous, and filled with many large holes." He released Spongebob's skin with a snap.

"This makes the third point very obvious, which is that though Spongebob is an established male character, it would be very easy to…enter him, and he has no need for a…penis." He struggled awkwardly with the last sentence as he indicated to the appropriate chalkboard illustrations. "Thus-it-would-be-very-easy-for-me-to-have-sex-with-Spongebob-and-even-in-multiple-places-at-once. Ok-thank-you-the-end-goodbye." he finished quickly and then motioned for the camera to cut.

"Heeeey," Spongebob cut in brightly. He'd reached the end of his packet. "'Sexual relations' is just a fancy name for sex!" He tossed the packet down with an air of accomplishment. "In that case then I've been wanting to have those with you for years, Squidward!"

Squidward had to double-take. Then blink a few times; and then babble.

"Huh..? You know what-? A-and then the- And the-the you…me…WHAAAAA?!" he went.

"Well sure Squidward," shrugged Spongebob, "I though you knew and were just playing hard-to-get. I mean you'd have to be _blind_ not to notice."

"Nope. Even I noticed." input an old blind guy with a walker as he passed by the window.

Squidward's lower eyelid twitched. His image of Spongebob had just disintegrated.

"Well, now seems like an appropriate time to ask: You wanna get it ounnn..?" Spongebob asked smoothly, leaning close and wiggling an eyebrow suggestively.

Squidward's pupils dilated. He'd completely zombified.

"I'll take that as a 'yes'." smirked Spongebob. He moved in closer, one arm snaking around Squidward and the other stretching to flick the light switch.

Click.


End file.
